Tag: The Dad Life

My Birth Story … The Dad’s Version – Wednesday

David Pierre   ·  

Part 1: Wednesday

Around 2am Wednesday morning, March 2nd, 2016, my wife nudged me in bed and said, “I’m in labor!” Astoundingly, our beautiful baby boy, Benjamin, wasn’t born until Friday, March 4th, 2016 at 7pm … Settle in and pour yourself a cup of coffee. This is a long story.

We Planned and Planned

The months leading up to our “guess date”, we got as prepared as we could. I don’t call it a “due date” because, statistically speaking, not many births happen on the due date. So what happens if you go past it? Unnecessary stress! Here are some numbers:

“Normally, women are given a date for the likely delivery of their baby calculated as 280 days after the onset of their last menstrual period. Yet only four percent of women deliver at 280 days and only 70% deliver within 10 days of their estimated due date, even when the date is calculated with the help of ultrasound.” * 

Prior to our guess date, we did all the recommended things. We went to birth classes, got a midwife, and hired a doula. Okay, I guess we did all the things Ricki Lake recommended in the documentary, Business Of Being Born. Her ideas jived with us and, after eating a hot dog and fries while buying a poorly made side table from IKEA, we were feeling very Swedish (75% of births are attended by midwives in Sweden **

Dad Planning

The preparation didn’t stop there. Skimming through books like The Birth Partner and What to Expect When You’re Expecting. I read a book about what the first days with our baby would be like and books about how not to mess up our kid mentally in the first 10 minutes of knowing him. I glanced at my wife’s computer screen from time to time, seeing one of the hundreds of birth videos she was watching … It went on and on.

We ate at IKEA

We met with our doula and wrote down our birth wishes. Our wish was to give birth naturally at home, or at IKEA. Either way, it just had to feel Swedish. It’s called a birth wish, because calling it a “plan” can lead to regret and depression if things don’t go according to “plan”. We, of course, remained logical about the idea of having a home birth. Our midwives were especially trained to handle any birth issues and there was a room held for us at the hospital close to our home, should the need arise.

Maybe all this preparation somehow helped but nothing could prepare me for the emotional, mental, and physical (mostly my wife on this one) turmoil that comes with delivering a baby.

Okay, What Happened Already?

Okay, so, after my wife told me that she was in labor at 2 am on Wednesday morning, I mostly just fell back asleep. Not because I’m evil, but just because I’ve trained myself to fall back asleep quickly after my wife tells me something in the middle of the night.

You see, my wife likes to lie in bed at night and think about stuff going on in her life. I, on the other hand, try to think of nothing. Often, I’m woken up with comments like, “Do you even watch Netflix? We should cancel it.” Or “I wish we lived on acreage.”

Anyway, for the rest of that night (Wednesday morning), I slept while my wife laid in bed thinking about the day(s) to come.

There’s an app for That

When I woke up, things were still quite upbeat as we shared our excitement over the reality that we’d be meeting our baby boy soon. I had time to make a coffee, make breakfast and download an app for my phone that would make counting contractions easier.

The contractions were making progress but we tried to keep our mind off of them as much as we could. We went for a walk and had a bath. This is all recommended during early labor.

It just so happened that we had a midwife appointment that day at noon. So, the contractions, walking and bathing continued until then. We called the midwives and they determined that we were fine to come in to the clinic.

The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe

When we got to the clinic, the midwives decided to check my wife’s cervix. For those who don’t know what a cervix is, its a magical door that needs to open for the baby to come out. Think “The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe”. On one side of the door is your normal pre-baby life. On the other side of the door is a mystical, dream-like world filled with bright colors (kids toys) and weird creatures (hallucinations from sleep deprivation).

The cervix starts out closed and gradually (and from what I hear – unpleasantly), opens to around 10 cm. This is when the pushing starts and the baby makes his grand debut.
The midwife checked and before she said a single word, we knew that we weren’t going to like the news. No progress. After 10 hours of pre-labor, my wife’s cervix was still closed shut. So deflating!

Our midwife reassured us that this was fine but wanted us to get an ultrasound to make sure the baby was in the correct, head down position. The ultrasound revealed that our baby was head down, but looking towards my wife’s right hip.

So we went home.

So we Laboured

As the afternoon and evening progressed, so did the frequency and duration of my wife’s contractions. I continued to consult the app I had downloaded earlier and was provided with useful advice like “Make sure your bags are packed to leave for the hospital at any moment” and “Your baby will be arriving shortly”.

Feeling quite encouraged by the app and the now 20 hours of labor that had passed, we called our doula and midwife to get further advice…

Continue to Part 2: Thursday

HOME

* https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2013/08/130806203327.htm

** http://www.who.int/pmnch/media/membernews/2011/2011_sowmr_en.pdf

Who Takes the Photos? My Instagram Story

David Pierre   ·  

If You’re in the Photo, Then …

One of the questions I get asked a lot on Instagram is, “who’s taking the photo?” My standard response is, “sometimes my wife takes the photo and sometimes I shoot off a tripod.”

That statement really understates the struggle that I often go through to get a photo for Instagram! But I love photography and writing stories, so I push on!

Summer Vacation

My Instagram story began about 6 months before I posted my first photo. We had just come back from a trip to the Okanogan, British Columbia (6-hour car ride with adults, 9 hours with a baby).

We stayed with some friends in the Okanogan who happened to have a new DSLR camera. After they showed a few photos from their DSLR of Benjamin and us, I was hooked! I loved how deep and rich the photos looked with a DSLR camera compared to my phone camera.

When we returned home (11-hour car ride, because the highway was closed for an accident for 3 hours) I quickly found a DSLR camera on Kijiji and did what most people do when they get a DSLR, put the camera on AUTO and started snapping!

I Lost so many Friends

It didn’t take long before I alienated myself from everyone by constantly trying to show him or her photos of Benjamin. I couldn’t even catch people off guard because anyone that owns a DSLR knows that these cameras aren’t exactly stealth. When you walk in the door with a suitcase, backpack, and computer people instinctually know you are going to try to show them photos.

So I went searching for a larger audience. Enter Instagram, the largest photo sharing thingy out there.

Instagram to the Rescue

I knew that most of my friends that didn’t want to look at my photos of Benjamin were on Instagram. I also knew that Instagram would give me back the element of surprise. Sure a suitcase is hard to hide, but when my friends are scrolling through Instagram they are bound to see my photos of Benjamin!

So I signed up for Instagram and added all the same friends I had on Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter, and Google+ (just kidding, no one uses Google+).

Early Days of Instagram

My first photos were of Benjamin only or Benjamin and our cat. An easy one-liner as captions and done! These were very easy to shoot! He was barely walking and didn’t notice the camera. I would try to take photos with an interesting perspective or create depth to the photos by having a foreground and background subject. All the sorts of things I read about on photography blogs.

It wasn’t long after posting a few photos on Instagram, that I started reading about Instagram on blogs. You know, how to get better at Instagram type stuff. As a side note, if you currently enjoy Instagram as a fun app that lets you post pictures of your cat or food, I highly recommend you don’t read blog sites about Instagram strategies.

The Instagram Hustle

Seriously! Behind the fun pictures of cats and food, is a giant marketing machine filled with algorithms, conspiracies, hashtag strategies, page designing, follow loops, interaction pods … and on and on!

It doesn’t take long after reading the Instagram advice pages that you are researching hashtags, and designing your content to what your followers are responding to!

And what were the followers I had responding to? Not my interesting perspectives and foreground and background subjects. My followers responded to photos of Benjamin and I struggling with everyday issues. They also responded to that I was a stay at home dad and told a story in the caption about my struggles, as a stay at home dad.

So obviously people started wondering if I am in the photos with Benjamin and I am talking about being a stay at home dad, struggling to manage chores, naps, and grocery shopping, who’s taking the photos?

Tell me Already, Who is Taking the Photo?

Well, until a couple of months ago, it was easy to set up my tripod while Benjamin was doing something “toddlerish” and walk over to where he was, make a face that tries to capture the mood of what he is doing, and push the camera remote button. Done!

That was a couple of months ago. Now, when Benjamin sees the tripod come out, he runs over to it, slaps it, and laughs. Not exactly an ideal workflow. So I had to recruit my wife.

So when my wife is home and Benjamin is doing something of interest. I say, “quick! Get the camera and try to get a picture of Benjamin and I while he is putting our shoes in the toilet”. This helps! But I still miss many “toddlerish” behaviors.

I hope after all that, you get a better idea of, “who takes the photos?” and why I always say, “sometimes my wife and sometimes I shoot off a tripod”.

RETURN HOME

Getting Ready … as a Dad

admin   ·  
Getting Ready as a Dad
Putting on my Contacts While trying to Keep Benny out of the Toilet.

Typical Outing for my Wife

I must admit that after watching my wife get ready for an outing with Benjamin I feel fortunate that getting ready as a dad is much easier. In most cases I am accepted into society looking slightly better than a homeless sock puppet.

Getting Ready as a Dad

When I wake up in the morning as a stay at home dad … not to an alarm, but to Benjamin … the first thought that runs through my mind is that catchy Beyonce song, “I woke up like this: Flawless”.

Actually, it isn’t.

Its more like “Will Benjamin lay in his crib contently while I sneak past his bedroom, down the rickety stairs, turn on the espresso machine, grind some fresh coffee beans, and froth some milk?” I know you’re probably thinking, “How do you have time for all that?” Well, I don’t but I am hanging onto this one last thing from my non-baby life!

I’m sure not every mom feels pressure to do their hair, apply their makeup, and shave their mustache, or maybe they do? What do I know about a woman? Makeup?

I am Accepted!

One thing is certain: when I leave the house in the morning, I don’t care if my makeup is a bit smudged. Under my hat, my hair is a complete mess. Under my loosely fitting shirt, I can relax my abdominal muscles and not pretend I’m posing for the cover of Men’s Health magazine all day.

I can also wear shorts in the summer and feel confident that no one will think twice about seeing my leg hair blowing in the wind as I play on the monkey bars with Benjamin (life as a stay at home dad) .

Old Thinking

However, in the interest of full disclosure, when I was working in corporate hell and would see a Mom return from maternity leave, I didn’t judge, but I had thoughts. Now before you hate me, I didn’t think, “Why don’t you do something with yourself?” My thoughts were more along the lines of “I wonder if that mom doesn’t care about her appearance or is it just that crazy to have kids?”

I also didn’t want to ask… Okay, maybe I am a terrible person.

I guess I just got used to the idea of ladies being “dressed up” in all public places. I don’t know where that idea came from. Let’s blame the all-encompassing “society” for that one. Hey, I don’t promote the double standards, but I guess they influence me.

New Thinking

Regardless, once I had Benjamin I understood what it takes to get out the door on time in the mornings. After so many mornings of having to choose between brushing my teeth or making it on time to an appointment, I can’t imagine the additional pressure of having to apply makeup.

On top of all that, I rarely have an appointment in the morning! I also don’t have to get Benjamin up, dress him, dress myself, feed both of us, drop him off at care, and make it to a job at a reasonable time. I know that, for many working parents, this is a daily reality. If I attempted all that in the morning, I’m not sure I would ever make it to work before 10 pm.

Micro-Seconds Count

Maybe that’s why women shave their legs? Just like swimmers, every microsecond counts. Perhaps, in order to achieve so much in such a short amount of time, they need the aerodynamic advantage of smooth legs!

Anyway, after all that, if you’re a new mom and you see me on a swing with Benjamin, feel free to sit in the swing next to me and know that you’ll have a parenting ally. No judgment! All respect!

Also, don’t worry at all about your appearance. Chances are, I didn’t shave my legs for this either.

Being a Stay at Home Dad

David Pierre   ·  
stay at home dad and son at the park
Always at the Park. Even this bumble bee knows us by first name.

So, What’s it like?

Have you ever wondered what it’s like being a stay at home dad? … if you’re already a stay at home Dad I guess you know what it’s like. However, since the majority of the people that follow me on Instagram are Moms, I’ll assume you’re a Mom … I’ll also assume you’re reading this to take pleasure in my daily Dad suffering …

Okay, enough guess who is reading this and why. What’s it like being a stay at home Dad? Well, to me being a stay at home Dad is a little bit like the TV Series “Last Man on Earth”, except, unlike the show, I really do feel like the only man on earth. (That show has like 30 men on it?)

Where Do They Go?

Every morning around 8 am, I see all the men of the world get into cars or buses. Some are walking or riding their bike but, regardless, they are all leaving to go somewhere.

All that is left is Moms and their babies, and Benny and me.

Everywhere I go; the park, the mall, SpaLady, Happy Nails, and Ikea, its all Moms. According to Stats Canada*, stay at home dads represent 1 out of 10 families where there is a stay at home parent.

If this is true, where are they?

Don’t get me wrong. I do see the odd Dad at the park. But they never want to chat about our Dad life problems. Moms, on the other hand, are much chattier. (Is that a word?)

My Throat Hurts from Talking

I never considered that, when I became a parent, people were going to talk to me more. I know that, in some cultures, people talk to one another at bus stops, grocery stores, etc. However, that is not the Canadian way. Canadians seem quite content standing in awkward silence. I bet a Canadian person right now has the cures for all the world’s diseases but is too scared to talk to anyone in case they might come across as a chatty weirdo…

Surprisingly, though, all the awkward Canadian silence vanishes when you have a baby. People break the ice by talking to your baby in the form of questions that can only be answered by the parent. As in, “How old are you, cutie?”

I jump in, “34, Thanks for asking!” Ok, not really, but most conversations do start with “How old is he?”

We all Feel the Same

When I start talking to another stay at home parent … mostly moms … I find the same thoughts, struggles, and problems are discussed. Is my baby getting enough sleep? Will I ever get a job in my field again? How many donuts can I eat in a day and still lose my baby weight?

When my wife went back to work and it was just Benjamin and me, I thought it was going to be weird to be a stay at home Dad. Honestly, it’s only weird if I let it be weird. Whenever I tell another parent that I’m a stay at home Dad, I always get a “Right-On!” Never once have I felt unwelcome at the mom dominated play groups or play centres.

It seems to me that, in the end, we’re all bonded by the same goal: raising a semi-normal human being… and that is something worth talking about, even for Canadians.

(If you happen to be a stay at home Dad, let me know if you feel any different!)

 

* http://www.statcan.gc.ca/pub/11-630-x/11-630-x2016007-eng.htm

Dads Don’t Cry … Well I Do.

David Pierre   ·  
Dads Cry
We all suffer when Benny gets sad.

We Need a New Way of Thinking

When I first was becoming a dad a lot of thoughts seemed to float around in my head about what it meant to be a dad. So as I do with most questions, I checked the internet.

A quick search of dictionary.com and this is what came up?! Wow.

Definition of a dad

As you can see, this is what is wrong with how we view men and dads … “having or displaying no emotion, sympathy, or sensitivity” … no longer current, relevant, or important” … I am not sure how “passed on/away, expired, departed, gone, no more” fits in but I think you get the point.

(side note: yes yes … I know I didn’t search the correct word. I like to make jokes and I am trying to make a point about a bigger subject … so bear with me.)

Growing up a Man

Growing up I felt the pressure from my parents and peers to show as little emotion as possible. A number of times I heard, “don’t cry, “man up” and “why are you so cool” … okay, one of those was made up … but you get it.

Around the time Benjamin was about to be born, someone gave me a couple of books to read called, ‘Raising Emotionally Healthy Boys’, by Michael Reist and ‘Tough Guys Have Feelings Too’, by Keith Negley.

I could babble on about what I thought the book was saying, but the except by Michael Reist does a far better job than I could ever do …

“From a very young age, boys are socialized to hide their emotions. Girls, on the other hand, are encouraged to learn a much broader range of emotional expression. The long-term repercussions of this imbalance are profound.

Many of the problems we face, both as a society and as a species, are directly affected by how we raise our boys. We are all products of nature and nurture combined. The conscious and unconscious lessons we give our children often enhance and improve their human natures, but can sometimes degrade them, too.”

Humans are … Human and Dads Cry?

Okay, so maybe you don’t agree with the dramatic repercussions society is facing from not allowing boys and men to have feelings … but as someone who has lived most of their life as a man … wait what … I can attest to the differences and knew the trend in my family would stop with me.

By the time I read these books, I knew that we were having a baby boy. I also knew that as much as I was going to provide the essentials of life to Benjamin, I was also going to try my best to allow him to have an emotionally healthy upbringing.

Now don’t get me wrong, when Benjamin is having big feelings I get the urge to sweep both his feelings and my feelings about his feeling under the rug and wrestle in some mud in our underwear … I hope you didn’t get confused because I am always confused, what’s sleep again? …

So What Should I Do?

So what does all this mean in terms of not being a dead dad? Well, first I try to create an emotionally safe home … I will not ridicule or shame my child for having feelings. It also means that I will be honest when I have made a mistake in parenting … good thing that won’t happen!

Second, I will not try to rush or hide my child’s feelings because they make me uncomfortable. For instance, a tantrum in a public place can be quite embarrassing. The peering eyes and judgment of parents and 15-year old employees at Toy’R’Us. But instead of shaming or rushing my child’s feeling away, I will try to remain a calm and supportive parent … until the 15-year olds call the cops, then we are out of there!

Finally and what I think is the most simple, I will treat my child with the love and respect that any human being deserves. When Benjamin came into our lives, he may have arrived with limited understanding of normal sleeping hours and completely limited understanding of computer coding … I heard Bill Gates could program before age 13, so I tried to beat that by setting Benjamin up at the computer at 13 days old … he just threw up on my computer …

Anyway, Benjamin may not have been able to do any of those things, but one thing was for certain he was a perfect tiny human. Not some thing we had, but an actual tiny human being. And again, from being a human for most of my life … What? I don’t get it either … I know that I prefer to be heard, have an input, and treated with respect … what human doesn’t want that?