When Dove Men+Care approached me to help them champion paternity leave, part of their global commitment to expanding men’s opportunities to care, I felt extremely proud to get involved. It’s not just important to push for better policies around paternity leave, but also challenge the stigmas that hold fathers back from taking it.
My personal experience tells me that when men have an expanded opportunity to care for their families through paternity leave, it has positive impacts on the man, his family and society as a whole.
It also got me thinking about the decisions that I made in my life, and how I was never going to be the type of father my dad was. And that’s a good thing.
Throughout my life, I haven’t done what’s expected of me.
For instance, when I was a teen and deciding which university to attend, I didn’t bother myself with petty details such as the school’s reputation or which social clubs they offered. My entire goal was to maximize the distance between the university I chose and the small town in which I grew up. I didn’t know at the time, but this decision led me down the path to one of the most important moments in my life; becoming the type of father I want to be for my amazing son, Benjamin.
Okay, so there wasn’t anything particularly bad about the town I grew up in. It had its own “small town Alberta charm”. But the people there accepted the status quo while I’ve always questioned why things are done a certain way. I wanted to get away and figure things out for myself.
I needed to ponder the important questions in life. For example, “Is Canadian bacon just ham?” And why do Americans go around calling their toques “beanies”? So weird. Anyway, being in a new city, Calgary, and around new people opened my eyes to a lot of the things I’d been exposed to, and naturally absorbed, during my formative years.
If Bacon is Ham, Then What’s a Man?
It was during this time of self-discovery that I started to question the stereotypes I’d grown up with of what men and fathers should be. You see, I grew up with a very traditional father. He wasn’t a mean man and I knew that I was loved but he did lack emotional availability. Sure, he would show emotion if he was trying to fix something around the house and it wasn’t going well. If I’d done something wrong, I’d get an angry glare.Other than that, he didn’t show much emotion. I didn’t think much of this when I was growing up because, well, that’s just how fathers are, right? That’s how my friend’s fathers were and that’s just how it was.
It wasn’t until I’d moved away from home that I looked back and wondered why my dad discouraged the feelings I had as a boy: “Don’t cry”, and “Don’t let your feelings get in the way” are phrases I heard often from my father. I’m sure he didn’t say those things to be hurtful. He was just trying his best to make me a “man” as he understood it.
The Two-Headed Home
My father also spent a lot of time working away from home. This meant that he was away all week and home primarily on the weekends. To me, this was one of the hardest parts of growing up. During the week, our home had a certain rhythm that my mom and I were used to. But, on the weekends, it was a whole different scene. But when my dad was home, we did things his way.
I Have More To Give
By the time I was expecting my first child, I knew the type of father I wanted to be. I wanted to emulate some characteristics of my own dad, like his patience when teaching me new skills and how he would trust me with large responsibilities. However, I also wanted to allow my son the freedom to feel and, most importantly, I wanted to be present for Benjamin and my wife on a daily basis.
Having a newborn is difficult, and creates a whole new dynamic in the day-to-day of family life. I’ve seen many cases of well-meaning fathers try to integrate themselves into the new routines and rhythms their partners have established, while working full-time. The problem is that the routine changes so fast with a new baby that the father often ends up holding the bottle wrong or not rocking the baby well enough, leaving all parties upset and unsatisfied.
I wanted to know all the details and be a part of my family’s new rhythm. I wanted them to know that I could bounce properly on the yoga ball (so much bouncing, blah!). These goals were best achieved by me being fully available; away from work, on a paternity leave.
The truth is that most new or expecting fathers I talk to feel the exact same way I did. They want to be available for their families through paternity leave. Unfortunately, the stigma of what it is to be a man still exists in our society and they worry that their careers will be tarnished or that their colleagues will think less of them.
The Stigma Ends With Me
Which is why I’m so excited to partner with Dove Men+Care to champion paternity leave and help fight the stigma holding men back from taking the time to care.
I will never know what might have happened had I not left the small town in which I grew up. I do know, however, that my father upheld his views of fatherhood because that’s what he knew. My hope is that, by working with Dove Men+Care, we will challenge the stigma that holds fathers back from taking precious time to spend with their children and, ultimately, end these stigmas entirely for the next generation of fathers. Everyone benefits when dads take the time to care.
Check out Dove.com for resources on paternity leave.