Category: ‘Competent’ Parenting

Getting Ready … as a Dad

admin   ·  
Getting Ready as a Dad
Putting on my Contacts While trying to Keep Benny out of the Toilet.

Typical Outing for my Wife

I must admit that after watching my wife get ready for an outing with Benjamin I feel fortunate that getting ready as a dad is much easier. In most cases I am accepted into society looking slightly better than a homeless sock puppet.

Getting Ready as a Dad

When I wake up in the morning as a stay at home dad … not to an alarm, but to Benjamin … the first thought that runs through my mind is that catchy Beyonce song, “I woke up like this: Flawless”.

Actually, it isn’t.

Its more like “Will Benjamin lay in his crib contently while I sneak past his bedroom, down the rickety stairs, turn on the espresso machine, grind some fresh coffee beans, and froth some milk?” I know you’re probably thinking, “How do you have time for all that?” Well, I don’t but I am hanging onto this one last thing from my non-baby life!

I’m sure not every mom feels pressure to do their hair, apply their makeup, and shave their mustache, or maybe they do? What do I know about a woman? Makeup?

I am Accepted!

One thing is certain: when I leave the house in the morning, I don’t care if my makeup is a bit smudged. Under my hat, my hair is a complete mess. Under my loosely fitting shirt, I can relax my abdominal muscles and not pretend I’m posing for the cover of Men’s Health magazine all day.

I can also wear shorts in the summer and feel confident that no one will think twice about seeing my leg hair blowing in the wind as I play on the monkey bars with Benjamin (life as a stay at home dad) .

Old Thinking

However, in the interest of full disclosure, when I was working in corporate hell and would see a Mom return from maternity leave, I didn’t judge, but I had thoughts. Now before you hate me, I didn’t think, “Why don’t you do something with yourself?” My thoughts were more along the lines of “I wonder if that mom doesn’t care about her appearance or is it just that crazy to have kids?”

I also didn’t want to ask… Okay, maybe I am a terrible person.

I guess I just got used to the idea of ladies being “dressed up” in all public places. I don’t know where that idea came from. Let’s blame the all-encompassing “society” for that one. Hey, I don’t promote the double standards, but I guess they influence me.

New Thinking

Regardless, once I had Benjamin I understood what it takes to get out the door on time in the mornings. After so many mornings of having to choose between brushing my teeth or making it on time to an appointment, I can’t imagine the additional pressure of having to apply makeup.

On top of all that, I rarely have an appointment in the morning! I also don’t have to get Benjamin up, dress him, dress myself, feed both of us, drop him off at care, and make it to a job at a reasonable time. I know that, for many working parents, this is a daily reality. If I attempted all that in the morning, I’m not sure I would ever make it to work before 10 pm.

Micro-Seconds Count

Maybe that’s why women shave their legs? Just like swimmers, every microsecond counts. Perhaps, in order to achieve so much in such a short amount of time, they need the aerodynamic advantage of smooth legs!

Anyway, after all that, if you’re a new mom and you see me on a swing with Benjamin, feel free to sit in the swing next to me and know that you’ll have a parenting ally. No judgment! All respect!

Also, don’t worry at all about your appearance. Chances are, I didn’t shave my legs for this either.

Being a Stay at Home Dad

David Pierre   ·  
stay at home dad and son at the park
Always at the Park. Even this bumble bee knows us by first name.

So, What’s it like?

Have you ever wondered what it’s like being a stay at home dad? … if you’re already a stay at home Dad I guess you know what it’s like. However, since the majority of the people that follow me on Instagram are Moms, I’ll assume you’re a Mom … I’ll also assume you’re reading this to take pleasure in my daily Dad suffering …

Okay, enough guess who is reading this and why. What’s it like being a stay at home Dad? Well, to me being a stay at home Dad is a little bit like the TV Series “Last Man on Earth”, except, unlike the show, I really do feel like the only man on earth. (That show has like 30 men on it?)

Where Do They Go?

Every morning around 8 am, I see all the men of the world get into cars or buses. Some are walking or riding their bike but, regardless, they are all leaving to go somewhere.

All that is left is Moms and their babies, and Benny and me.

Everywhere I go; the park, the mall, SpaLady, Happy Nails, and Ikea, its all Moms. According to Stats Canada*, stay at home dads represent 1 out of 10 families where there is a stay at home parent.

If this is true, where are they?

Don’t get me wrong. I do see the odd Dad at the park. But they never want to chat about our Dad life problems. Moms, on the other hand, are much chattier. (Is that a word?)

My Throat Hurts from Talking

I never considered that, when I became a parent, people were going to talk to me more. I know that, in some cultures, people talk to one another at bus stops, grocery stores, etc. However, that is not the Canadian way. Canadians seem quite content standing in awkward silence. I bet a Canadian person right now has the cures for all the world’s diseases but is too scared to talk to anyone in case they might come across as a chatty weirdo…

Surprisingly, though, all the awkward Canadian silence vanishes when you have a baby. People break the ice by talking to your baby in the form of questions that can only be answered by the parent. As in, “How old are you, cutie?”

I jump in, “34, Thanks for asking!” Ok, not really, but most conversations do start with “How old is he?”

We all Feel the Same

When I start talking to another stay at home parent … mostly moms … I find the same thoughts, struggles, and problems are discussed. Is my baby getting enough sleep? Will I ever get a job in my field again? How many donuts can I eat in a day and still lose my baby weight?

When my wife went back to work and it was just Benjamin and me, I thought it was going to be weird to be a stay at home Dad. Honestly, it’s only weird if I let it be weird. Whenever I tell another parent that I’m a stay at home Dad, I always get a “Right-On!” Never once have I felt unwelcome at the mom dominated play groups or play centres.

It seems to me that, in the end, we’re all bonded by the same goal: raising a semi-normal human being… and that is something worth talking about, even for Canadians.

(If you happen to be a stay at home Dad, let me know if you feel any different!)

 

* http://www.statcan.gc.ca/pub/11-630-x/11-630-x2016007-eng.htm

Dads Don’t Cry … Well I Do.

David Pierre   ·  
Dads Cry
We all suffer when Benny gets sad.

We Need a New Way of Thinking

When I first was becoming a dad a lot of thoughts seemed to float around in my head about what it meant to be a dad. So as I do with most questions, I checked the internet.

A quick search of dictionary.com and this is what came up?! Wow.

Definition of a dad

As you can see, this is what is wrong with how we view men and dads … “having or displaying no emotion, sympathy, or sensitivity” … no longer current, relevant, or important” … I am not sure how “passed on/away, expired, departed, gone, no more” fits in but I think you get the point.

(side note: yes yes … I know I didn’t search the correct word. I like to make jokes and I am trying to make a point about a bigger subject … so bear with me.)

Growing up a Man

Growing up I felt the pressure from my parents and peers to show as little emotion as possible. A number of times I heard, “don’t cry, “man up” and “why are you so cool” … okay, one of those was made up … but you get it.

Around the time Benjamin was about to be born, someone gave me a couple of books to read called, ‘Raising Emotionally Healthy Boys’, by Michael Reist and ‘Tough Guys Have Feelings Too’, by Keith Negley.

I could babble on about what I thought the book was saying, but the except by Michael Reist does a far better job than I could ever do …

“From a very young age, boys are socialized to hide their emotions. Girls, on the other hand, are encouraged to learn a much broader range of emotional expression. The long-term repercussions of this imbalance are profound.

Many of the problems we face, both as a society and as a species, are directly affected by how we raise our boys. We are all products of nature and nurture combined. The conscious and unconscious lessons we give our children often enhance and improve their human natures, but can sometimes degrade them, too.”

Humans are … Human and Dads Cry?

Okay, so maybe you don’t agree with the dramatic repercussions society is facing from not allowing boys and men to have feelings … but as someone who has lived most of their life as a man … wait what … I can attest to the differences and knew the trend in my family would stop with me.

By the time I read these books, I knew that we were having a baby boy. I also knew that as much as I was going to provide the essentials of life to Benjamin, I was also going to try my best to allow him to have an emotionally healthy upbringing.

Now don’t get me wrong, when Benjamin is having big feelings I get the urge to sweep both his feelings and my feelings about his feeling under the rug and wrestle in some mud in our underwear … I hope you didn’t get confused because I am always confused, what’s sleep again? …

So What Should I Do?

So what does all this mean in terms of not being a dead dad? Well, first I try to create an emotionally safe home … I will not ridicule or shame my child for having feelings. It also means that I will be honest when I have made a mistake in parenting … good thing that won’t happen!

Second, I will not try to rush or hide my child’s feelings because they make me uncomfortable. For instance, a tantrum in a public place can be quite embarrassing. The peering eyes and judgment of parents and 15-year old employees at Toy’R’Us. But instead of shaming or rushing my child’s feeling away, I will try to remain a calm and supportive parent … until the 15-year olds call the cops, then we are out of there!

Finally and what I think is the most simple, I will treat my child with the love and respect that any human being deserves. When Benjamin came into our lives, he may have arrived with limited understanding of normal sleeping hours and completely limited understanding of computer coding … I heard Bill Gates could program before age 13, so I tried to beat that by setting Benjamin up at the computer at 13 days old … he just threw up on my computer …

Anyway, Benjamin may not have been able to do any of those things, but one thing was for certain he was a perfect tiny human. Not some thing we had, but an actual tiny human being. And again, from being a human for most of my life … What? I don’t get it either … I know that I prefer to be heard, have an input, and treated with respect … what human doesn’t want that?