November 2017 - Life With Benjamin

What’s that Smell?

I smell Chanel Chance Eau de Toilette. I see every shade of brown leather boots varying in length from mid ankle to knee height. I hear the words “paleo, alkaline, and whole30”. I am in a basement with few windows, grey carpet, miniature tables, and brightly colored toys. There are eight children, seven moms, and me. It’s Wednesday morning playgroup and this is how I survive as a dad.

Socialization is Good, Right?

As a stay at home parent, one of the things that worries me is whether or not my child (Benjamin) is getting enough socialization. If he were in daycare, he would be surrounded by other children and other adults every day, 5 days a week. Heck, if we lived in a jungle tribe, there would be numerous mothers and children running around all day. Of course, if that were the case, I wouldn’t be caring for him, I would be off hunting wildebeests.

Anyway, I try my best to bring Benjamin to parks, playgrounds, kid’s museums, and playgroups so he has a chance to be around other children. Out of all of these opportunities to socialize, the most difficult for me to navigate is The Playgroup.

I Just Walked in the Door

The first thing I notice when I walk in the door is that everyone seems much more dressed up than I am. All the moms are wearing makeup, their hair is styled and their jeans look like they have never been washed.

I usually wear chino pants (washed several times), sweater or t-shirt, runners and a toque (Canadian for “winter hat”). Now, don’t get me wrong, there are moms there wearing toques. The hair underneath the toque, however, always seems to be styled into either beachy waves or perfect curls.

I do have some hair that falls below my toque, but this is only because I am too lazy to get a haircut. Also, when would I even find the time to get a haircut??

I always wonder if these moms enjoy getting this dressed up or if they somehow feel pressure from the other moms? Is it like the corporate world where everyone is expected to dress a certain way?

I know that even I have started to put more thought into what I should wear to playgroup. I have purposely picked nicer shoes to wear on several occasions.

Breaking the ice

When it comes to talking to moms at playgroup, the children do most of the work. I mostly stand around and wait for the children to interact with one another, which inevitably results in a small tussle over a toy or a chewed up piece of food on the floor.

This is a perfect opportunity to ask the standard parent icebreaker, “How old is your little one?” It’s best to never assume the child is a boy or a girl. Even if the child is wearing all pink and a tiara that says, “Little Miss Attitude”, I always wait for the parent to allude to the child’s gender. It’s just safer that way.

Are you a Stay at Home Dad?

After the icebreaker, most moms will ask me right away if I am a stay at home dad. When I reply that I AM a stay at home dad, more often than not I get a, “right on”. I’m never sure how I’m supposed to take that. Does this impress the moms? Why is being a stay at home dad met with an enthusiastic “right-on”? Does it have something to do with stereotypical gender roles? I never ask the follow up question because I feel like doing so could cross a boundary.

The conversation quickly turns to talking about our children, their milestones and their struggles.

I don’t know what moms talk to one another about but, when I talk to a mom at playgroup, the conversation is pretty light.

Participating in Activities

When it comes to helping out at playgroup, I feel the need to go above and beyond. As the only dad in the group, I feel like I should be doing more than my share of the work to combat the classic media headlines, “Moms do more chores than dads” or “Moms do more baby care than dads”. No one asked me to take on this task but I somehow feel I need to prove a point.

I always think that most dads would like to help out more at home but that, over the years, perhaps they lose the skills and then the desire to participate. I’m sure there are many instances where this isn’t the case, however, it seems to me that, when one parent is around a child more than the other, that parent understands the rhythms and routines better. Then, when the outside parent tries to replicate the game or routine, they inevitably do it wrong and lose confidence to try again.

So, is it Awkward Being a Dad at Playgroup?

I would never say anyone has made me feel awkward at playgroup. There are, however, limitations to being a dad at an all mom playgroup.

I have heard on a few occasions’ moms exchanging phone numbers and arranging separate play dates with their children. The reality is that, for me to attempt to arrange a one on one play date with another mom ultimately feels wrong. As harmless as it is, the questions that could arise from such a thing aren’t worth it.

So when I leave the playgroup, I go home with Benjamin knowing that I won’t see any of those moms or children until the next Wednesday when I’ll show up to the All Mom Playgroup in my runners and torque, do more than my share of the crumb sweeping, be impressed with the beachy waves all around me and try to avoid alluding to any child’s gender.

And, maybe, by next week, I’ll have gotten that haircut or a started my Whole 30 regimen… probably not, though.

Yes, I am a stay at home dad and this is how I survive playgroup.

HOME

Thanks for Asking, Mom

A question that has come up quite a bit in the last little while, mostly from my family, is, “Don’t you miss working?”

First off, I find it comforting to know that spending all day catering to the needs of a semi-neurotic person isn’t work.

I guess it depends on how you define work.

From Dictionary.com

“Activity involving mental or physical effort done in order to achieve a purpose or result.”

I would argue that full time parenthood fully meets the requirements for so called “work” based on that definition… and anyone who has driven in a car longer than 15 minutes with a tired or hungry toddler would not dispute this point. On the highway, toddlers have an amazing ability to estimate the distance to the next off ramp. Shortly after passing an off ramp, its melt down time. Kicking, screaming, and turning beet red is all part of their strategy. However, the melt down isn’t actually about getting out of the car seat, it’s about testing your mental stability. Need proof? Within a few miles of the next off ramp, a toddler will calm right down to the point that you think another unnecessary stop isn’t needed. Once the ramp is a safe distance behind you, its melt down time again.

The mental and physical toll it takes on a parent to accomplish even the most basic task is challenging. The battle grounds are everywhere; diaper changes, dressing, baths, naps, food, not to mention the millions of things you never considered a safety hazard until you had kids.

Another Definition

Clearly, the definition above acknowledges the massive amount of effort that is required in order to raise another human being. So what else does Dictionary.com say?

“Mental or physical activity as a means of earning income; employment.”

And there it is!

This is most certainly the definition society (minus physicists) think of when it comes to work. Heck, this is how I think of work! Work has always been about making money for me and probably always will be.

Raising another human being is different, though, and it’s honestly the most difficult ‘job’ I’ve ever had.

Well, now that I say that, I remember the summer I spent landscaping.

So, raising another human being is the second most difficult ‘job’ I’ve ever had.

Even with all the difficulty, however, being home with Benjamin is also the most rewarding and fulfilling ‘job’ I’ve ever had.

In between the battles, I get to see him grow every step of the way. I’m the first to witness his new words, his new toddler jokes, and I’m there to receive those rare hugs and kisses. I don’t wonder if his caregiver is mistreating him. I don’t wonder what he is being fed because I’m there to see it. All of it.

So, do I miss work?

As you’ve likely guessed after all this rambling, the answer to that question is complicated.

Are there days I wish I had an income? Yes.

Are there days I wish I could hang my head over my desk at work and listen to podcasts all day? Yes. (Favourite Podcast)

The all expenses paid work trips to Europe, very nice!

In reality, however, the perks accounted for a very small part of my work.

The majority of the time, work was a grey, stale cubicle setting. I sat at a desk all day listening to dull corporate conversations going on all around me. The heat was either too hot or too cold depending on whom you talked to in the lunchroom. I drank 40 liters (10 gallons?) of water a day just so I had a reason to get up from my desk and walk to the restroom.

9 hours a day, 5 days a week. It was in one word, depressing.

So, while I don’t actually miss work, what I would love is a bit more balance for both my wife and I.

My Wife Works

I am fortunate that my wife does all the working for our family. But I will admit, it isn’t fair. I often think about going back to work solely so that my wife can have an opportunity to be home with Benjamin.

In my mind, it doesn’t matter how many errands I run, diapers I change, or bathrooms I clean, it will never add as much value as bringing money into the home. That’s because our society runs on cold hard cash. I tried to pay for a latte the other day with used diapers and I was asked to leave.

Value is Nice and all

Salary.com had an interesting info graphic showing the value created by a stay at home mom.

(I ignored the “mom” part and read “parent”… what is this the 90’s?)

Anyway, the graphic estimates that a stay at home “parent” creates $112,962 worth of value in 90 hours of work.

Sadly, when I tried to use the graphic to buy a latte at another café, I was asked to leave once again.

All I can say is, the majority of families have two working parents. With no one staying home and both parents putting in at least a 40-hour work week outside the home, who does the 90 hours of staying home work??

It sounds exhausting!

Guilt Free Balance

I’ve had this discussion with my wife several times. Because my wife and I are both Geologists, in a perfect world, we would share one job. Both working 2.5 days a week while the other person is home with Benjamin. The 2 days on the weekend? Family time!

In my opinion, shared jobs create more value for families, parents, and corporations. Both parents share in the frustrations and benefits of cubicles (I would list the benefits if there were any) and both parents are adding to the latte fund.

Additionally, both parents share the frustrations and benefits of raising their child. One parent isn’t alienated because they don’t know the routines, behaviors, quirks, inside jokes, etc.

Finally, a corporation gets increased knowledge and increased productivity for the same yearly salary. Win-win for everyone.

Sadly this isn’t an option for us yet. A quick google search on job sharing in Canada reveals that the concept is used as a method for avoiding layoffs, but not as a method for creating better work-life balance.

You tell your Mom all that?

Okay, if you were smart and quickly scrolled through the above text, you now get the benefit of the shortened version:

When someone asks me if I miss work, I usually say, “hell no”!

What I DO wish, for ourselves and for all families, is a situation that yields more balance, where the efforts of both income earning and parenting are shared.

Until that perfect scenario comes to fruition, I’ll just be here making lattes at home and laughing at toddler fart jokes.